nighttime.

when i can't sleep, it's usually because i don't feel well or i have a lot on my mind, or a combination of the both.
currently, i'm suffering from a little bit of both.

it's odd because at night, i often think about things that i would never think about during the day. it's as if as soon as the sun sets, my brain gives itself permission to wander into the farthest depths and think about things that really don't need to be thought about just now.
throw in not feeling the greatest and my hypochondriac tendencies and i've got a recipe for disaster.

my mind flutters away to silly things that aren't true and would never happen, but in my overly tired and flustered state seem completely sane. i try to take deep, centering breaths, listen to soothing music, watch a late night tv rerun, anything to distract my mind and help lull me to sleep. eventually i just conk out, but the time between waking and sleeping is terribly irritating.
i just need a way to quiet my thoughts (and my tummy) when all they want to do is wander and keep me awake until all hours of the late night.

it's a big, big world.

sometimes i wonder what i'll do first when i move to chicago. right now it's just a hope and a dream, but i know it will happen. after graduation i will look for an interesting job in the windy city that suits me perfectly. i picture myself moving in my last piece of furniture and just looking out my window and taking it all in. (i'll have an amazing view of the city, obviously)

there is something about big cities that just seems so charming and intriguing to me. there's always something to do. take in a show, go to a club, walk along the pier, visit a small cafe, shop in a store you can't afford, take a nap under the trees in a big, grassy park. i feel like if i lived there, i'd never run out of things to do. and i can just picture myself living in a comfy brownstone just outside the city. snuggling up next to the fireplace on a chilly afternoon, going for a walk through the city streets just before dark and watching all the lights appear on the skyscrapers.

of course, there is also something to be said about small towns like the one i currently live in. it's charming and quiet, and it has that "homey" feeling where everybody practically knows everybody else. you can ride you bike down the trail by the river and feel completely safe. in the summer, families gather around the bandshell to enjoy concerts featuring local artists. you can drive a couple miles out and little farms with sprawling fields are there to greet you.

for now i'll try to enjoy the coziness of my small town and eagerly look forward to the buzzing city that is my future.

a random collection of current thoughts.

wow, i have really neglected this blog. my last post was in august and we are now more than halfway through october. holy shit. sorry little blog. not that it really matters, because i don't believe i have one single reader.
oh well, i will prevail nonetheless.

i should be alseep so that i can awake early tomorrow and have a productive day. since that's not happening just now, i will instead post a few of my thoughts at the moment.

1. there is something about not being able to find a parking spot that really pushes me over the edge. when i'm cruising through a parking lot in desperate need of one single spot and find myself unsuccessful, i become crazy with rage. i could probably physically punch every stupid driver that is taking up my precious spots.

2. the impending doom of flus and viruses really upsets me. the fact that the news feeds on such drama really pisses me off and, as a germ freak, i really don't appreciate being told how many H1N1 outbreaks there are in the tri-county area, thank you very much.

3. i don't think i will ever understand the reasoning behind women with uber pouffy hair. i'm talking boufante, beehive, 2 cans of hairspray pouffy. in what universe do they think this is attractive?! unless you're walking the catwalk, your hair should be of a reasonable height.

4. whenever i watch food network, i get this overwhelming desire to become some sort of badass chef. i picture myself inventing crazy entrees and cooking up a storm in france or rome.

and on that ridiculous note, i will attempt to lull myself into a semi-deep sleep and hopefully catch some REMs before my obnoxious alarm wakes me up hours before i desire.

pursuit of happiness?

that's what it's all about right? the pursuit.
finding what makes you happy beyond all reason and then doing whatever it takes to make that happen on a (hopefully) daily basis.

then why does the pursuit feel so damn exhausting sometimes?

i have no idea what i plan on doing with my life. no clue. sure, i have inklings, possible ideas, yet nothing seems to jump out at me. nothing feels like it could make me happy to the point of obnoxiousness. and that is, afterall, the point. to be so happy and fulfilled that others want to punch you in your face because you're so annoyingly peppy.

not that i'm not happy. i just want to find a way to make the pursuit feel much more worthwhile. i'm sure i'll look back one day and realize how monumental and life-changing everything was; realizing that everything happened a certain way in order to get me to the great place i'll be at that point. but is it too much to want a little more clarity? a dash more excitement to make things seem a little less mundane? i don't think so.

regardless...i'm thankful for the pursuit. i just don't want to waste the opportunity.

people person?

i have always considered myself a people person. i enjoy talking..a lot. i enjoy listening to others talk. it's fun to observe others and learn new things about people that are different from me. i feel that all of these things make me a pretty damn personable people person. (say that five times fast)

that is, of course, until i got a job dealing almost solely with the public.

working at a grocery store for nearly 4 years will give you a lot of experince with people. unfortunately, a chunk of that experience isn't exactly positive. slowly but surely, i've learned that in general, people are rather rude, insensitive and self-centered. not to say that i don't encounter some very great people while cashiering away my days, but let's be honest here: my job has vitually stolen my people person abilities from me.

people refuse to put their cell phone calls on hold for a minute twenty seconds so that i can finish their transaction. they think they're clever and use all sorts of "original" lines that, in their mind, makes my day. things like "oh, you were waiting just for me, huh?" or "well, you look bored. i'll help you out." then there's the creeps who must get confused and think they're at some dimly lit stripshow rather than a grocery store, because they feel the need to hit on me with ridiculous come ons. might i add that the majority of these studmuffins are old enough to be my father or even grandfather. and finally, those people that are just downright mean and rude for no real reason. i smile, i inquire about their day, i ever so gently weigh their produce as not to bruise them. and yet, somehow, i still become the person that they must unload all of their built up anger and aggression. and after getting shit on for a good six hours a day, you really begin to hate people in general.

this is why i'm a very different person outside of work. when i don't have to be in my work zone; the place where i have to care about every stranger's problem, every customer's happiness. the place where i have to laugh at every stupid "joke" that i hear twenty times a day.
don't mistake this bitterness for not being appreciative of my job. i know i'm lucky to have one and sometimes i actually happen to enjoy myself. it's those pesky people that fry my brain.