it's that time again.

"for last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's words await another voice." - t.s. eliot.

i don't usually make new year's resolutions, mostly because i tend to not stick with things for all that long. it's not that i don't want to, i just lose interest and i'm convinced that i have the attention span of a small fly.

instead i'm making new year's suggestions. i'm going to make an honest effort to do certain things and if i mess up, that's ok, because i'll just get back on that horse and try it again! (hopefully.)
so for posterity's sake, my "2010 (holy geez, can you believe it's 2010?!) new year's suggestions":

-eat healthy. this include cutting back significantly on my snacking tendencies and cutting out the majority of sweets. my sweet tooth is going to be taking a major hit.
-get more physically fit. i'm not going to set a weight goal or dress size, because that might just lead to a disappointment if i don't make the "goal." instead, i'm aiming to get toned and stay fit...and get my money's worth out of my gym membership.
-maintain a more positive attitude. let's just say i'm a bit of a negative nelly, but i'm going to work on it.
-go on more fun trips..this includes road tripping to chicago.
-meet a lot of new people. i want to branch out!
-pick up a new hobby. as great as it is, surfing the web late at night when i can't sleep and watching old episodes of friends (which will always be one of my fave tv shows. ever.) do not count as hobbies. i need to pick up something new and find a creative outlet or something like that.

i'm sure there's a million and a half other things i could add, and maybe i will throughout the year, but i'm ready for a new year to happen. i'm ready for change and new adventures and i feel like 2010 is gonna be a good year.

december?!

hello blogworld! it's been awhile, but i've returned to you, my little blog!

i feel like a lot of things have been happening lately, but i can't point out anything in particular. it just feels like things are changing, which is probably a good thing!

it's most definitely beginning to look a lot like christmas in these here parts. our tree is very beautiful and twinkly and a fresh dusting of snow is falling as i write this. i'm not sure how i feel about said snow, but right now i'm all warm and snuggly under a blanket, so i suppose i'm ok with it. when i leave for work tomorrow that will change, i can promise that much.

work this holiday season has been much less overwhelming, which is a little refreshing. i think i've even had more polite, friendly customers than normal. usually i see all of the scrooges and ba-humbugs of the season bitterly bringing their groceries through my line, but lately people have been extra cheery. and let me tell you, i welcome the change! i think it's helping me get more into the spirit of it all.

i really wish i had more thoughts, but right now my mind feels pretty empty and my eyelids are feeling rather droopy.

swedish fish and pretty woman.

..my kind of wednesday night.

i declared my major on monday. finally. it feels like an immense weight has been lifted off my shoulders and i'm not even sure why. having a major doesn't really change much, except that i'll be (hopefully) taking more specific classes soon. i guess it's just refreshing to know i'm actually working toward something now..not just floating around the, a collegiate lost soul.

in other news, i made a delicious meal tonight and i'm really starting to love cooking. that in and of itself is strange, because i used to always hate cooking. with a passion. i'm an impatient person and so cooking would just make me hungry and then annoyed that i had to wait so long for my meal. not to mention i had a little problem with my yummy meals turning out not so yummy at all..try as i might, i just couldn't get things right! but it seems lately the cooking winds they are a'changin and i'm getting some mad skills. i mean, it's in my blood..and the help of a certain rachael ray and other lovely, tasty food network shows. oh, how i love food network! and i'm telling ya, if i could make cakes like those ace of cakes guys, how awesome would that be?!

and now it's night and i, of course, am not tired. because why should i be like all those other people that actually sleep, i mean how overrated is that?
if i could, i would. so instead i'm watching pretty woman, which i must say is one of my all time fave movies. how could it not be though? old-school julia roberts, gorgeous richard gere, and the unconvential love story of street girl turned good goal oriented woman.
i'm so motivated, i'm even attempting to clean and organize my room. yeah, attempting...we'll see how that goes!

tidbits.

i really enjoy blogging...i have no real reason for liking it. it's just nice to put all these random thoughts and opinions and ideas of mine out into the big open internet with the tiniest chance that someone will stuble unpon it and be entertained.

lately, though, i've had some trouble with bloggage inspiration. nothing too exciting is happening lately.
my days are spent mostly going to school, going to work, doing homework or procrastinating about doing homework. there's the occasional movie, nap or hang out with my friends, of course. it just seems that the winter blues has hit me early this year, i just need to get out of here! i need me some excitement!

in light of that impending winter gloom, there were some nice bright spots on this chilly thursday.
-i finally got my magazine in the mail that i've been expecting for over a week now. apparently things go out on the newstands BEFORE they're mailed to subscribers. stupid? oh, i agree. whenever i get my mag in the mail, i immediately crack it open and read it from front to back, it's so grand.
-tonight's episode of grey's anatomy was really good and i was very glad to finally see izzie back in the cast. for someone who hates hospitals and doctors and germs, i'm oddly fascinated by hospital related dramas.
-we had chinese for dinner and it was so good. i've been wanting chinese for weeks now, it's just one of those foods you only want every now and then but it sounds so great.
-i didn't feel sickly and nauseous today, which is how i spent almost all of yesterday, so i'd say that was a definite upside.

tomorrow is friday. i'm sure i'll spend most of the afternoon on homework, followed by an evening working at the food world. despite that, i plan on having a great weeked!

the waiting game.

i am not a patient person, nor have i ever claimed to be.
in fact, impatience is one of my more negative qualitites. but oh, can you blame me? we live in a world of instant gratification..we want something, therefore we find a way to get it. now. asap. right this minute.

so it's not hard to see why i hate and despise waiting. i hate waiting in lines, at the doctor's office (although my very unhealthy fear of medical professionals may be more to blame here), for the commercials to be over, for dinner to be ready. the real kicker is waiting for the big things.
meeting the love of my life; i know he's out there, but can he just find me a teeny bit sooner?! deciding on a career; i may have finally picked a major, but that doesn't mean i have any idea what kind of career i'll have someday. i know i won't be slaving my days away at the grocery store forever, but it would be nice to have a little more insight into what i'll be doing someday. waiting to live somewhere that isn't here; i'm ready to move out. i've lived at home long enough, trust me. i need to branch out and i know it will happen soon, but it's the waiting that's just so aggravating! oh that wait.

i know that someday these things will seem trivial and tiny, and well, just plain dumb. but right now they feel big. right now i would like things to happen just a little bit faster. or at least the knowledge of things could come a little faster.ok, i'm working on waiting. patiently. i'm learning to conceal my childish impatience a little more, but it's still there! and it's all about the waiting game. life is really just full of games..you just have to know which ones to quit, which ones to play, and which ones to just enjoy!

thoughts.

"life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward." - Soren Kierkegaard.

i stumbled upon this quote recently and it really made me think.
we wake up each day not knowing what lies ahead of us. even if we think we have it all planned out, everything remains a mystery. plans change, life goes by without us even realizing it, and things surprise us all the time.

the only way that we can face life is to live in the present and hope for a positive future. we can't dwell on the past or focus too heavily on the future. life is really an experience in forward motion...somedays it feels like there's constantly something tripping us up, but we continue forward.

i wonder if someday when i'm very old and my life is just about over, i'll be able to look back on all of the experience throughout my life and see the reason behind them all. "life can only be understood backwards.." will i see why i did certain things? or the consequences of not doing things? i like to think that it will all make sense in the end. i'd like to believe that every decision and i've made and every person i've met so far has made an impact on the person i am today. i'll have many more experiences and meet many more people and i'm sure that they will all affect me too. someday i think i'll understand the things that have caused me pain, the struggles i have had, the happiness i've experienced and knowing that gives me a lot of comfort.

nighttime.

when i can't sleep, it's usually because i don't feel well or i have a lot on my mind, or a combination of the both.
currently, i'm suffering from a little bit of both.

it's odd because at night, i often think about things that i would never think about during the day. it's as if as soon as the sun sets, my brain gives itself permission to wander into the farthest depths and think about things that really don't need to be thought about just now.
throw in not feeling the greatest and my hypochondriac tendencies and i've got a recipe for disaster.

my mind flutters away to silly things that aren't true and would never happen, but in my overly tired and flustered state seem completely sane. i try to take deep, centering breaths, listen to soothing music, watch a late night tv rerun, anything to distract my mind and help lull me to sleep. eventually i just conk out, but the time between waking and sleeping is terribly irritating.
i just need a way to quiet my thoughts (and my tummy) when all they want to do is wander and keep me awake until all hours of the late night.

it's a big, big world.

sometimes i wonder what i'll do first when i move to chicago. right now it's just a hope and a dream, but i know it will happen. after graduation i will look for an interesting job in the windy city that suits me perfectly. i picture myself moving in my last piece of furniture and just looking out my window and taking it all in. (i'll have an amazing view of the city, obviously)

there is something about big cities that just seems so charming and intriguing to me. there's always something to do. take in a show, go to a club, walk along the pier, visit a small cafe, shop in a store you can't afford, take a nap under the trees in a big, grassy park. i feel like if i lived there, i'd never run out of things to do. and i can just picture myself living in a comfy brownstone just outside the city. snuggling up next to the fireplace on a chilly afternoon, going for a walk through the city streets just before dark and watching all the lights appear on the skyscrapers.

of course, there is also something to be said about small towns like the one i currently live in. it's charming and quiet, and it has that "homey" feeling where everybody practically knows everybody else. you can ride you bike down the trail by the river and feel completely safe. in the summer, families gather around the bandshell to enjoy concerts featuring local artists. you can drive a couple miles out and little farms with sprawling fields are there to greet you.

for now i'll try to enjoy the coziness of my small town and eagerly look forward to the buzzing city that is my future.

a random collection of current thoughts.

wow, i have really neglected this blog. my last post was in august and we are now more than halfway through october. holy shit. sorry little blog. not that it really matters, because i don't believe i have one single reader.
oh well, i will prevail nonetheless.

i should be alseep so that i can awake early tomorrow and have a productive day. since that's not happening just now, i will instead post a few of my thoughts at the moment.

1. there is something about not being able to find a parking spot that really pushes me over the edge. when i'm cruising through a parking lot in desperate need of one single spot and find myself unsuccessful, i become crazy with rage. i could probably physically punch every stupid driver that is taking up my precious spots.

2. the impending doom of flus and viruses really upsets me. the fact that the news feeds on such drama really pisses me off and, as a germ freak, i really don't appreciate being told how many H1N1 outbreaks there are in the tri-county area, thank you very much.

3. i don't think i will ever understand the reasoning behind women with uber pouffy hair. i'm talking boufante, beehive, 2 cans of hairspray pouffy. in what universe do they think this is attractive?! unless you're walking the catwalk, your hair should be of a reasonable height.

4. whenever i watch food network, i get this overwhelming desire to become some sort of badass chef. i picture myself inventing crazy entrees and cooking up a storm in france or rome.

and on that ridiculous note, i will attempt to lull myself into a semi-deep sleep and hopefully catch some REMs before my obnoxious alarm wakes me up hours before i desire.

pursuit of happiness?

that's what it's all about right? the pursuit.
finding what makes you happy beyond all reason and then doing whatever it takes to make that happen on a (hopefully) daily basis.

then why does the pursuit feel so damn exhausting sometimes?

i have no idea what i plan on doing with my life. no clue. sure, i have inklings, possible ideas, yet nothing seems to jump out at me. nothing feels like it could make me happy to the point of obnoxiousness. and that is, afterall, the point. to be so happy and fulfilled that others want to punch you in your face because you're so annoyingly peppy.

not that i'm not happy. i just want to find a way to make the pursuit feel much more worthwhile. i'm sure i'll look back one day and realize how monumental and life-changing everything was; realizing that everything happened a certain way in order to get me to the great place i'll be at that point. but is it too much to want a little more clarity? a dash more excitement to make things seem a little less mundane? i don't think so.

regardless...i'm thankful for the pursuit. i just don't want to waste the opportunity.

people person?

i have always considered myself a people person. i enjoy talking..a lot. i enjoy listening to others talk. it's fun to observe others and learn new things about people that are different from me. i feel that all of these things make me a pretty damn personable people person. (say that five times fast)

that is, of course, until i got a job dealing almost solely with the public.

working at a grocery store for nearly 4 years will give you a lot of experince with people. unfortunately, a chunk of that experience isn't exactly positive. slowly but surely, i've learned that in general, people are rather rude, insensitive and self-centered. not to say that i don't encounter some very great people while cashiering away my days, but let's be honest here: my job has vitually stolen my people person abilities from me.

people refuse to put their cell phone calls on hold for a minute twenty seconds so that i can finish their transaction. they think they're clever and use all sorts of "original" lines that, in their mind, makes my day. things like "oh, you were waiting just for me, huh?" or "well, you look bored. i'll help you out." then there's the creeps who must get confused and think they're at some dimly lit stripshow rather than a grocery store, because they feel the need to hit on me with ridiculous come ons. might i add that the majority of these studmuffins are old enough to be my father or even grandfather. and finally, those people that are just downright mean and rude for no real reason. i smile, i inquire about their day, i ever so gently weigh their produce as not to bruise them. and yet, somehow, i still become the person that they must unload all of their built up anger and aggression. and after getting shit on for a good six hours a day, you really begin to hate people in general.

this is why i'm a very different person outside of work. when i don't have to be in my work zone; the place where i have to care about every stranger's problem, every customer's happiness. the place where i have to laugh at every stupid "joke" that i hear twenty times a day.
don't mistake this bitterness for not being appreciative of my job. i know i'm lucky to have one and sometimes i actually happen to enjoy myself. it's those pesky people that fry my brain.

why blog?

i start this blog, and i wonder to myself, why?

why start yet another something that i will most likely abandon after a couple of weeks. not to mention something that will probably never have any readers?

i've always enjoyed writing. throughout school, english was definitely my favorite subject and it is proving to remain that way in college as well. there is no way i could be brave enough to persue a career as a writer...mostly for the sheer fact that it is such an unreliable career. if i were to actually get noticed; get a job in writing of some sort, that would be amazing. if not, i could end up being a mostly unemployed writer and no one wants that. especially not me!

instead i chose to start this blog. recently i've become addicted to a couple of blogs i've heard about, and reading them has inspired me to attempt one of my own. granted, i do not yet have too many amazing life stories to tell, but i have my opinions, ideas and thoughts. many, many of them. and what's a better way to freely voice them all than through this lovely little blog?

so, if anyone happens to find their way to this blog, enjoy. hopefully i can offer a little humor to your day, if nothing else.